 His legacy |
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When Someone Takes His Own Life
When Someone Takes His Own Life
In many ways, this seems to be the most tragic form of death. Often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind...
The Bible warns us not to judge, if we ourselves hope to escape judgment. And I believe that this is the one area that Biblical command especially should be heeded. For how do we know how many valiant battles such a person may have fought and won before he loses that one particular battle? And is it fair that all the good acts and impulses of such a person should be forgotten or blotted out by his final tragic act?
I think our reaction should be one of love and pity, not of condemnation. Perhaps the person was not thinking clearly in his final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at all. This is terribly sad. But surely it is understandable. All of us have moments when we lose control of ourselves, flashes of temper, or irritation, or selfishness that we later regret. Each one of us, probably, has a final breaking point - or would have if our faith did not sustain us. Life puts far more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others...
My heart goes out to those who are left behind, because I know they suffer terribly...The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt: “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?” To such grieving persons I can only say, “Lift up your heads and your hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could. Remember, now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him, and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned.”
A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Reverend West Stephens. What he said that day expresses far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey. Here are some of his words:
“Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!
“For one thing - he has won our admiration - because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for his family and friends...for all things beautiful, lovely, and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had. Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands.”
by Norman Vincent Peale
From Peale, N.V. (1966). The Healing of Sorrow. Pawling, New York, Inspirational Book Service.
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SUICIDE'S SILENCING STIGMA
Deep was his pain
It cut him to the core
I didn't know he was fighting
that strong internal war
The battle in his mind
Was more than he could stand
He would not share his trouble
He was a very private man
It wore him down
we could not see
Till he took the life
of his own worst enemy...
---Author Unknown
Stigma and Silence
We joke about the "funny farm," the loony bin, the crazy house, being sent to Chattahoochee, Western State, Westville or Ypsilanti - whatever your nearby mental institution is called. And suicide has almost always been treated as a hush hush subject. Newspapers do not mention cause of death, but people speculate. In the enlightened, modern, medically improved years of the 21st century, we still have a long long way to go in terms of attitudes towards mental illness, hospitalization, and suicide.
No one knows how it is like the survivors. I felt rejection by other people. You know, the minute you were honest about your son dying by suicide, whoops - there's this wall. I understand that people don't know what to say. So we have a lot of educating to do.
---Gail Fox, educator and survivor of son's suicide.
If under almost ideal conditions, a young person still can fall through the mental-health cracks, what hope is there, then, for young people whose families are too fearful or sickened by the idea of suicidal ruminations to try to prevent the "dirty deed"? What hope is there if the good fight against suicide must be fought against a powerful enemy bearing not only the weapons of overwhelming hopelessness and helplessness, but a stigma born of centuries of orthodox, puritanical, self-righteous religious and moralistic indoctrination. Why is it that as a society we have grown to the extent that dying of AIDS is no longer equated with moral decadence and sexual perversion, but we still draw the veil over suicide? More and more I've noticed obituaries announcing the cause of death as AIDS. I have never seen an obituary stating the cause of death as suicide. Do not fault today's school counselors and educators. The large number of suicide-related books listed in Books in Print and located on school and public library shelves contradicts the popular belief that education is the ultimate prophylactic. It is not. The statistics say otherwise.
Suicide is the second leading killer of young people between the ages of 15 and 24 in Indiana.
15 percent of all teens diagnosed with depression eventually commit suicide.
As many as one out of four high school students may seriously consider suicide.
The only good news is, is that a 100 percent fail-safe method for predicting teens likely to commit suicide may be just around the corner. But until this simple blood test is perfected, parents, relatives, friends and strangers need to do more than spout statistics and hide their shame behind checklists, hotline numbers and medications. Although these measures are necessary to inform and treat, they don't stamp out the stigma. This is something we all must deal with by "coming out of the closet" and together exposing the pain of our own limitations, imperfections and self-doubts. Parents need to discuss suicide--not just on TV talk shows and in online support groups--but at family gatherings, religious functions and parent-teen workshops. We need to keep repeating the word "suicide" until the repetition rousts the shame and we're left with only the practical details of prevention and providing support for survivors.
Otherwise there will continue to be too many Cody Winglers, who chose at the precious, young age of 15... to put a gun to their heads and end what could have been a long, rewarding life. He had so much to live for, so many who loved and needed him.....so many who STILL AND ALWAYS WILL, ache for him..............as I think of all those who crowded into the gymnasium for his funeral, I can't understand why he chose to die. There were so many people there who cared for him. It was standing room only....in a gym! I just hope that those around him will see the pain that his death has caused, and never choose to repeat what Cody has done. He made a very bad choice that can never be reversed, and now we have to live with it. While I do hope he has reached that Nirvana he was searching for, those of us left behind will never know what that is, because we will never be "free from the pain" Losing him has left an empty void that no one or nothing can ever fill.
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MENTAL ILLNESS
Mental illnesses are the leading cause of suicide
Mental illness can be fatal - and we need to treat these diseases as potentially fatal, but very treatable, according to experts like Kay Jamison, quoted below. We do our loved ones and ourselves a great favor to know and understand as much about mental illness as we possibly can. This country does not make it easy to get health care for your brain. There's no pretense that there's fairness in mental health coverage. Until we say that the brain is just as serious as an organ and just as serious a cause of death as the heart, kidney, liver or the lungs, we're not going to be able to treat the people we need to. We're going to lose 30,000 lives a year as we are now.
---Kay Jamison, psychologist at Johns Hopkins University
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Know the signs...
Stigma of Suicide
Many people who have lost loved ones to suicide feel a silence or a hard-to-describe dreadful look that people get on their faces when they hear that their loved one took their own life.
Stigma of a Mental Health Diagnosis
Many people will not get help when they feel depressed or have other mental health symptoms because they have a fear of being branded as a mental patient.
My child seems sad; is he suffering from depression?
Not necessarily: Normal sadness or grieving is not depression. Don't worry if your child occasionally feels blue or down in the dumps. Life has its ups and downs, and it's normal for children to grieve over a loss or feel sad for a few hours or days at a time. But if his melancholy lasts for more than a couple of weeks or seems to interfere with his regular activities and relationships, he may be clinically depressed. Depression is far more than a temporary change in mood; it's marked by a sense of hopelessness and a lack of energy and enthusiasm that can last for weeks, months, or (in rare cases) even years at a time. The good news about depression is that it's almost always treatable. The key is identifying the problem and getting help.
What are the symptoms?
It might seem logical that the most obvious symptom of depression would be sadness, but many depressed children say they don't feel sad or gloomy. Interestingly, one of the key signs of depression in children is irritability. Children may be depressed if they have trouble getting along with other kids and family members or have dramatic swings in mood. Other signs of depression include lack of energy, inability to concentrate, poor performance in school, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and frequent complaints about physical ailments like headaches or stomachaches.
Depression often goes hand in hand with other mental health problems. A youngster who has an eating disorder or a substance abuse problem, as well as kids who are constantly defiant, disagreeable, and getting into trouble with authorities, may also suffer from depression.
How do I know if my child is depressed?
If your child exhibits any symptoms of depression, ask yourself three questions: Is this behavior new? Is it long-lasting (going on for several weeks or more)? Are the symptoms interfering with his ability to function at home, in school, or with his friends? If you answer yes to any of those questions, you should probably have your child evaluated by a child or adolescent psychologist, psychiatrist, or other licensed mental health professional trained to work with children and adolescents.
http://family.msn.com/tool/article.aspx?dept=health&sdept=hsy&name=bc_041105_depressed&signup=bc&offer=2
Bipolar disorder - also called manic depression - is a complex disorder with a variety of symptoms and behaviors, and a wide range of severity. It affects approximately 2 million Americans, and typically develops in late adolescence or early adulthood.
Although bipolar disorder's outstanding characteristic is wide fluctuations in mood, there are many other facets involved with the disease, so it often takes an average of four physician visits to correctly diagnose it. Those who live with it have described it in many different ways: "It can keep you up for three nights straight, then get you down for three weeks straight; or "It can make you feel on top of the world, then make you feel too weak to get out of bed; or "It makes you love everybody, then makes you hate yourself."
Common symptoms for the depressive episodes include:
Feeling despair, hopelessness or emptiness
Feeling guilt, worthlessness or helplessness
Loss of interest in normally pleasurable activities
Feeling fatigued and lethargic
Difficulty in concentrating or making decisions
Feeling irritable and easily angered
Loss of sex drive
Sleep problems
Unexplained changes in appetite or weight
Complaints of aches and pains with no apparent cause
Thoughts of death or suicide
Common symptoms for the manic episodes include:
Feeling euphoria and exhilaration
Feeling restless, with increased levels of energy
Feeling little need for sleep
Having racing, often disconnected thoughts
Increased sexual drive
Having an unrealistic idea of ones abilities and powers
Talking loudly, quickly and incoherently
Easily distracted
Feeling irritable or paranoid
Engaging in reckless and extreme behaviors - e.g., excessive spending, erratic driving, binge drinking, etc.
Experiencing hallucinations
When an individual begins showing symptoms, family members tend to focus on the presenting problems, such as substance abuse or poor work performance. Unfortunately, when the focus is primarily on the problem behavior, rather than on understanding the cause, diagnosis is difficult. And sadly, individuals who experience manic episodes more frequently (Type I) are less apt to seek help, because the mania helps them feel creative, euphoric and invincible. Although both extremes are dangerous for different reasons, it is the depressive state that makes individuals either want to get help or consider suicide.
Bipolar disorder is a chronic disease, so it must be treated for the duration of ones life - similar to diabetes or heart disease. And as long as the afflicted individual takes the appropriate medication(s), its possible to lead a fairly normal and productive life. When left untreated, however, bipolar disorder can create many serious difficulties, including marital and family problems, job instability, substance abuse, reckless behaviors, psychiatric hospitalizations or suicide. And the problem behaviors frequently become worse when left untreated.
www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/bipolarmenu.cfm
Warning Signs
There are often signs that someone may be thinking about or planning a suicide attempt. Here are some of them:
talking about suicide or death in general
talking about "going away"
referring to things they "won’t be needing," and giving away possessions
talking about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty
pulling away from friends or family and losing the desire to go out
having no desire to take part in favorite things or activities
having trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
experiencing changes in eating or sleeping habits
engaging in self-destructive behavior (drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or cutting, for example)
Here are some facts and statistics about suicide:
In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide.
Suicide is now among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 (both sexes).
Suicide attempts are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicides.
Mental disorders (particularly depression and substance abuse) are associated with more than 90% of all cases of suicide. However, suicide results from many complex sociocultural factors and is more likely to occur during periods of socioeconomic, family and individual crisis (e.g. loss of a loved one, employment, honour).
Depression is present in 50 percent of all suicides, and those suffering from depression are at 25 times greater risk for suicide than the general population.In addition, older persons with depression are more likely to commit suicide than younger persons who are depressed.
There is one suicide every 17.2 minutes, or nearly 84 suicides per day in the United States alone.
Suicide by firearms is the most common method, accounting for 61% of all suicides.
Guns are the method used in 65 percent of male teen suicides and 47 percent of female teen suicides.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 19 years.
80 % of all suicidal persons leave clues.
Most teen suicides are impulsive, with little or no planning, and 70 percent occur in the victims' homes.
Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.
Suicide has no characteristic genetic quality. Suicidal patterns in a family are a result of other factors and may result from a belief in the myth which facilitates suicidal actions.
95% of people who attempt suicide don't really want to die. They want an end to the emotional pain, and suicide is viewed as the only alternative.
Education and awareness are the best keys to continue the important job of reducing the impact of suicide in our society. Suicide is not just a mental health problem - it is truly a concern for the entire community.
The person who completes suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand...
--Unknown.
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Suicide Awareness... If only I had known....
Cody...
Cody was the type of person that always seemed to be so happy. He always had a smile for everyone, and was constantly trying to make others laugh or entertain them with his guitar. He would defend his friends, and did not care what people wore, or what they had, but loved people for who they were inside. He was definitely an individual, and would wear what he wanted, no matter what others thought. Sometimes I think he just wanted to pick on Ryan, so he would find the most outrageous thing he could think of!! In the past year, I have learned many things about depression, bi-polar disorder, and suicide, I am by no means an expert, but I do see now that Cody did show the signs of being bi-polar, and even the signs of being suicidal. No one wants to talk about suicide, or think that their child could have a mental illness, let alone that they could be suicidal. But unless something is done to make people aware of the signs, and symptoms of these things, our children will continue to end their own lives. The saddest part is... they DON'T HAVE TO DIE. Had I known that Cody's behavior was NOT just normal teen age behavior, had his doctor not just thought he didn't want to go to school, maybe he would still be here today. Cody had been to the doctor several times in the last few of years for stomach aches, for which he was prescribed Nexxium. It helped for a while, but it would get worse, and we would go back. This was an ongoing thing for the last couple of years. I thought I was doing the right thing, his dad and I took him to the doctor on several occassions, he had scopes, scans, and even an
appendectomy which the surgeon done although his appendix weren't ruptured, but they didn't know what else could be causing the constant pain. Cody was not a perfect child, but he was not always in trouble either. The only time he had been in really big trouble, was when they had stolen the guns,Cody had no reason to steal anything. He had only one use for the guns they had taken. After his death, my brother found journals in which Cody talked about his feeling of constant pain. The things he had written in these journals were sad and entirely different side of Cody than I, or any of us had ever seen. Many of the things he had written were written as song lyrics, and there were several about dying and suicide. Though he talked about how lucky he was that his parents loved him, and he loved them, he couldn't understand why he always felt such constant pain. I never saw the signs... Cody sat up with me every night, and he and his friends would come in the living room and talk to me before I went to bed. He hugged and kissed me good night every night before he went to bed, and always told me he loved me. If he was going somewhere after school, he'd leave a message on my cell phone. The night he died, I was on the phone with him about 2 minutes from the house. We were talking about why he had taken the guns, and he told me he was sorry. He asked where I was, and I told him I'd be home in a minute. He said... I love you mom. Then I heard the gun cock, and he hung up. I didn't make it home in time. In a matter of a minute, his life was over, and the lives of everyone who knew and loved him was changed forever. I would give anything to be able to change the events of that night, and even more to have known the feelings that my son hid so well from those he loved so much. Cody was not on drugs, or drinking, the toxicology report showed nothing. I just wish I had known then what I know now. With the proper medication, and counseling, Cody could still be with me today. But because no one noticed the signs of depression, I have lost him forever. I just want to help make people aware of these, if one person chooses to get help, or not to pull the trigger, if one family recognizes the signs in their child, or family member, if one life is saved, then Cody will not have died for nothing. He was always helping people when he was alive, and he is still helping them, even though he's gone. By showing that someone
whom people would least expect to be suicidal, could feel so badly on the inside, but seem just the opposite on the outside, he has shown that we need to be aware, and not just pass everything off as , "oh they're just a teen ager". I will never forget finding him, and begging him to wake up. In the note he left, he said mom, I love you so much, tell dad I love him too. Please don't forget me--I will NEVER forget, only regret, that I wish I could have done something, anything to help my baby boy. The following is something from Cody's journal...
The Black
The black sinks in
It controls you
It makes you a mirrored image
on the inside and out
Your black clothes
match your black core
but you like the feeling
of it eating away your pain
Leaving a big black whole
where your soul used to be
But you don't believe in Hell
So your soul was useless anyway
You puff on your cigarette
Erasing the small emptiness
that you hate to admit you
miss in the middle of the night
because it kept you company
But overall
This was meant for you
Because it is the only thing
that kept you from the one thing
You cant' escape....
You.
If life has a reason, why does mine make no sense?
-Cody Wingler-
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CODY MICHAEL...
You were such a talented, loving, and caring person. You were kind to everyone, and took care of those you loved. You had a great gift at playing the guitar, and a great gift for making people smile. You lit up the room with your smile and your humor. You will always be missed, and never be forgotten. Watch over those who are hurting so badly and missing you so much. You will always be our great big "teddybear" with the great big heart....and of course, our favorite "star".....
~It Wasn't My Intention~
Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.
My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say
It wasn't my intention not to see another day
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.
Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door
If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.
I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry
It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why
As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart
it wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart.
--Author Unknown
  
Angel: an-gel n. An immortal being attendant upon God; a very kind and lovable person; a helping or guiding spirit.
The wings I see are tinged with gold
Time is endless, or so I'm told.
Feathery white, I know you're there.
In my heart-I know you care.
Over your shoulder here we are.
Staying close, never far.
Wrap me up, envelope me.
I need you angel, can't you see?
Shield me now within your wing.
Songs of joy we'll always sing.
Hold me tight and take me high.
You belong to me in my sky.
Protect and love and nurture me.
I need you angel, can't you see?
--John Cameron
  
WHISPER OF ANGEL WINGS
Today I stumbled and once again
was lifted by an unseen hand.
What comfort and joy that knowledge brings.
For I hear the whisper of angel wings.
The guardian angels God sends to all
To bear us up when we stumble and fall.
Trust Him, my friend, and often you'll hear
The whisper of angel wings hovering near.
--Author Unknown
Memorial Scholarship Fund
The graduating class of 1987 has established a
Cody Wingler Memorial Scholarshp Fund to benefit a graduating senior from West Washington High School, in loving memory of Cody. We will give one $1,000 scholarship per year, more if money allows. If you would like to donate to this fund, you may send donations to:
Cody Wingler Memorial Scholarship Fund
c/o National City Bank
194 South Sycamore Street
Campbellsburg, IN 47108
All donations are appreciated. For information on applications, please contact Michele Jackson.
Cody's Gift...
Cody made a decision when he signed his driver's permit that he wanted to be an organ donor. When the woman at the BMV asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor, he immediately said yes. I kind of looked at him, but said nothing. When we got to the car, I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that. He said, "Well, I figure I won't need 'em if I'm gone mom, somebody ought to use them...." I know this sounds harsh, but it just shows how giving a person Cody was. Upon his death, we honored his wishes to be an organ donor. Several people received the gift of life because of Cody. I hope they realize just how special the gifts he has given them are.
 
Suicide Prevention
A suicide occurs every 17 minutes in the United States-88 per day, according to the American Association of Suicidology. Each year, nearly twice as many Americans die by their own hand as by homicide. It is the third most frequent cause of death among youth, ages 15-20. Suicide does not respect boundries. Nor does it matter what a person's social or ecnomical status, religion, education, IQ, race, gender, or age, suicide strikes within them all. Survivors of suicide know that even the most promising life may end to this horrible loss. No one wants to believe that someone they love or care for , someone who seems to have so much to live for, bears the seed of self destruction. Yet, for years, suicide has been the final choice for many who have silently battled pain within themselves.
If you or someone you know feels suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
(From "Dying to Be Free" By: Beverly Cobain & Jean Larch)
Adolescence can be a time of immense emotional confusion. But teen suicide is not simply about adolescent angst. Rather, the confusion of adolescence may trigger a deeper problem—severe depression. This is more than a bad feeling. Severe depression involves a long-lasting sense of hopelessness that doesn’t let up. Severe depression can affect anyone. For example, the cocky seeming guy on the football team, the quiet, oversensitive seeming kid or the jokester. This disease does not discriminate. Severe depression dramatically increases the likelihood of a suicide attempt. While roughly one percent of teens attempt suicide, between 15% and 30% of teens with severe depression try to take their lives. In all likelihood, these incidences are dramatically underreported. For every teen who takes his own life, hundreds of others fail in their attempts.
We all need to know the warning signs. Chief among them are dramatic changes in eating and sleeping patterns and social withdrawal. Also, if a teen makes any reference to suicide, it needs to be taken seriously. Even jokes that seem innocuous should not be taken lightly. Unfortunately, most family members feel uncomfortable talking about death. Parents may wait for a child to come to them. But then it may be too late. If someone you love is exhibiting the warning signs, talk to them. Ask them if they think about suicide. Even if they seem indifferent, this will reassure them that you are aware of their problem and that you care. Agree to give support, but never agree to keep the conversation confidential. You must be a parent, not a best friend. This is what your child needs from you during such difficult circumstances. You should also seek immediate assistance from a qualified professional. There is a National Suicide Helpline -
1-800-SUICIDE.
All calls are completely confidential. This disease is far more common than most of us realize. It does not matter if you seem to have an ideal family. Severe depression can strike anyone. If you suspect suicidal thoughts, you need to take the risk of getting involved.---By: William Armstrong
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